Learn to name your default in fights: Pursuer (chases) or Withdrawer (disappears). Do the opposite tiny habit: pursuer asks once, in one sentence, then pauses 10 minutes; withdrawer calls a 20 minute timeout and promises a return time (then actually returns). After, run a 60 second repair: “Here’s what I felt / what I needed / what I’ll try next time, how about you?” Learn more

Here’s a quick test: has it lasted >2 weeks, is it blocking school/activities, and do you see a repeat pattern (tears, irritability, avoidance)? Ask three calm questions: “What’s the worry?”, “How big is it (0–10)?”, “What would make it a 1-point smaller?” Then coach a tiny exposure today for example: walk to the door with me, text the teacher together, or stay 10 minutes then reassess. Learn more

Label before you do it: “I’m avoiding because I feel anxious / bored / overwhelmed .” Start with a 2 minute micro-task (open the doc, title it, write one sentence) and set a 10 minute timer as stopping is allowed, starting is the win. Make the next step binary and visible (“Send draft to Alex by 3pm” on a sticky/Calendar). Learn more

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“Guilt screams ‘do more’; wisdom asks ‘what matters now?’”
Trade perfection for presence. Pick one thing that moves the needle today, say no to the rest, and remember: your kid needs you attuned, not superhuman.

“Calm isn’t found in a free day it’s built in five quiet minutes at a time.”
A regulated parent regulates the room. Protect a tiny daily ritual (walk, journal, stretch) and let “good enough” be the standard that keeps your nervous system steady.

Because “I’ll just do it myself” is how people become resentful roommates with rings.

Your house looks fine but your brain looks like 87 open Chrome tabs.

One of you is quietly running Mission Control with all the kid snacks, school emails, tire pressure, Mother’s Day gifts, “Did we RSVP?”, printer ink, the dog’s shots while also pretending not to be irritated that no one else noticed the printer ink.

That’s the invisible load.

Invisible labor is relationship rust it spreads quietly and ruins the vibe.

It’s not the chores; it’s the mental tracking that turns one partner into the family’s unpaid COO and the other into an accidental intern.

Make it visible and you upgrade the script from “You don’t do anything” to “Oh I didn’t realize you were carrying all that.”

Order of operations: empathy → clarity → fairness. Get those in the right order and the resentment melts.

Purpose: Reveal the invisible work that keeps the home running.

Outcome: Instant empathy. You can’t fix what’s invisible.

Here is a list you can start from.

Purpose: Create small, repeatable wins that lighten the load without triggering guilt or perfectionism.

Outcome: Realistic progress that compounds instead of another system you’ll forget to maintain.

1. Lead with appreciation, not accusation.

2. Frame it as a team upgrade, not a blame game.

3. Start small.
Don’t dump the whole list at once. Do one category (like “Home”) over coffee. The goal is visibility, not perfection.

4. If they’re reluctant:

If all else fails: start your own list and share a screenshot. Seeing the volume of “invisible tasks” is often the wake-up call.

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